Meet the Smoke Wagon

Four days into the Barbecue Road Trip, it’s probably time to introduce the unsung hero of the adventure.

Every great road trip needs a great vehicle. Legends have been forged in pickup trucks, Winnebagos and ageing station wagons held together by hope and zip ties.

Our legend is being forged in a Chrysler Pacifica.

A seven-seat American minivan of considerable size, surprising comfort and what can only be described as an excessive number of cup holders.

We picked it up from Alamo at Dallas-Fort Worth Airport four days ago and, after more than a thousand kilometres on the road, we’re pleased to report that the Smoke Wagon has exceeded expectations.

For those unfamiliar with the Chrysler Pacifica, picture a vehicle that looks like someone told a computer to design “a van, but make it feel good about itself.” It is large. Very large. In Australia it would cause a minor sensation in a Woolworths car park. In Texas it disappears completely amongst the giant pickups, SUVs and trucks the size of small apartment blocks.

When we first met it, we were slightly intimidated.

Now we’re considering importing one.

THE CREW

After four days, the seating arrangements remain unchanged.

LIDDY — Driver

Liddy remains firmly behind the wheel, and rightly so. She has successfully navigated Dallas traffic, Texas freeways and Oklahoma highways while carrying three backseat drivers and one navigator. She has opinions about lane discipline and merging, and experience has shown these opinions are generally correct.

MIKEY — Navigator and Photographer

Mikey remains in the front passenger seat, armed with maps, phones and confidence.

The original prediction was that he would be correct approximately 94% of the time but current statistics suggest that figure may be closer to 88%.

A minor navigational misunderstanding recently resulted in an unscheduled sightseeing tour through central Oklahoma City. Nobody got lost, technically speaking, but several questions were asked.

The investigation remains ongoing.

On the photography side, you have all seen the excellent results and you can be assured that all of the photos have been suitably edited to remove embarrassing moments and superbly curated by Mikey.

AL — Rear Left Captain’s Chair

Initially disappointed to miss out on the front seat, Al has now fully embraced captain’s chair life.

The position offers excellent legroom, reclining comfort and unrestricted access to coffee. Most kilometres are spent researching barbecue locations, editing blog posts or sending photos of smoked meat to people back home who no longer wish to receive them.

RO — Rear Right Captain’s Chair

Ro continues to thrive in the Pacifica lifestyle.

Over the last four days she has identified cocktail bars, shopping opportunities and interesting detours with remarkable efficiency. She has adapted so well to life in the captain’s chair that we suspect she may refuse to travel any other way in future.

THE LATTE REPORT

One concern before departure was coffee quality.

Four days in, we can confirm America has to lift its game considerably.

No coffee of our expectations has been located in Dallas, Arlington, Waco and Oklahoma City. Although multiple coffee stops have been made, none have been executed successfully.

Optimism remains high.

PERFORMANCE REVIEW

• Distance travelled: Plenty.

• Barbecue consumed: Concerning amounts.

• Cocktails consumed: Also concerning amounts.

• Navigation errors: One confirmed.

• Driver complaints: Surprisingly few.

• Arguments about where to eat: Constant.

The Smoke Wagon has carried four Australians, an unreasonable amount of luggage and enough leftover barbecue to feed a family of six.

It has survived Dallas traffic, Oklahoma roads, barbecue stains, shopping expeditions, multiple coffee runs and a Canasta tournament.

Most importantly, it has become part of the trip.

Kansas City awaits, followed by Memphis, Nashville and Dollywood.

The Smoke Wagon rolls on.

Godspeed, old girl. There are many miles — and many briskets — still ahead.